And just like that things went worse again. It’s not like you didn’t think that moment would come – just maybe not so soon. Your favorite song was interrupted by the church bells. 11 AM. Ascension Day. 

Today you were going to draw your flatmate. Nothing much to do elsewise. Maybe play a little soccer in the park later. A holiday during a pandemic was even more lame than usually. 

When you opened all the windows in the Atelier to air it, you heard a woodpecker in the maple trees close by. You sat down and drank your coffee, black, because the oat milk was gone and you were too lazy, well, more like too weak, to go to the supermarket. Plus you didn’t have the nerves to walk past the cheese cubes or the frozen pizzas again. 

There was a wren who lived in the wine tendrils down at the canal who seemed to enjoy the warmth at your window. Multiple times a day you were able to see him jumping up and down the winter garden, not moving a single leaf because he was so small. This exact wren stopped by you today, too. He sat there, as the swan was hunting ducks and coots and made a scene, as always – and just watched you. A living being, probably not able to feel what made you cry. Hopefully, you thought. The whole bird itself smaller than your heart. The thought made you smile. Nature was so fascinating. 

Sunday.

It had been raining. Strong, heavy rainfalls, emerging wind that grew to heavy flurries. As swirling and unsteady the outsides got, as deep and calm became your sleep and mind. All the trembling and shaking and pulling and pushing made you weary and tired. But in a releasing, freeing way. Deep breaths and working against the jaw clenching. Last night you got a very good sleep, not many dreams. Your window was opened the whole night and only the droplets and songs of birds accompanied your resting. 

The hours at the dinner table with your flatmate were always attritional and exhausting, but they made you realise a lot who you are. How happy you were with the human being you are. In some way, her perspective grounded you in yours, and made you more fond of your growth and striving. 

Your Italian flatmate stood next to you and you drank your coffee, looking at his hands, working up a pizza dough. You would have loved to tell him what was going on with you earlier, but somehow you had not been able to do that up to this day. He smirked when you were done summing up the latest events and said:

Hell, nah. We don’t need that. 

You smiled and shrugged, then sighed. 

Yeah, I suppose. 

There is so much better in this world. There is so much more. 

Today this didn’t hurt you anymore. People come and go, they hurt you, they make you smile, they move you even – but your worth never changes. Not when you're making mistakes, not when you're a supposedly exemplary person. Recognize who tries to shift your view on your worth. Let some people show you how much they see your worth and treat you accordingly, let some people try to treat you below your market price and set your boundaries. You have you. You are yours. Some people will be able to say that they have come close to you, some will not have had that honor. 

People can still make you smile if you want them to. That’s what you wanted to have said, eventually. People will still be able to charm you and make you feel comfortable. What you feel is valid. Who you are is valid. And there were so many people who were able to acknowledge that and treat you accordingly. Exceptions prove the rule. 

And yes the ones that got away - well, more the ones you let go and became independent of - will listen to the songs you showed them thinking of someone else. Inevitably, they will. If you’re honest with yourself you have been doing that a lot, too. You have hurt people, too.